Kittens On Rollerskates

Have you ever known a completely crazy person, like not a harmless crazy or a life-of-the-party crazy or even crackhead crazy, but like a the-eyes-of-Satan type crazy? Because um it turns out that I have, and he has been fever-dreaming me out since jump street. Here’s how I know him: A few old friends decided to adopt him as their “social experiment”–dead serious–a few years ago, and somehow they themselves were insane enough (I love y’all anyway) to keep on keeping on with it even after he put a padlock on the INSIDE of the apartment he shared with a girl and trapped her there. And like every girl he has ever walked past could just smell the cray-cray harmfulness all over him, but I guess my male (sort of) scientist friends were immune to that scent–smells like Axe body spray and malice. And even though I thought he was so creeptown I felt like shedding my skin, I ended up sleeping under the same roof as him at least 8 or 9 times. He was just there. You just locked the bedroom door with the dog inside and called it a night.

And last week, folks, homeboy tried to steal a human teenager whilst she was jogging in broad daylight right in downtown Chapel Kill Hill. He doused this poor girl in pepper spray before he started dragging her to his car. We’ll get into what was horrifically inside of his car in a minute, but let’s focus on why he was not able to accomplish said goal for one sec: who presumably has two thumbs and gets down with his bad self?

Superfly and Shaft melded into one bad mother...shutcho mouf

So let’s get to the real nuttiness here. Inside the car (or the “care” as one local news site hilariously reported it) was: 1.Pepper Spray, as previously noted. 2. A LOADED SHOTGUN (!!!). 3.  A Baseball Bat. 4. A. Pocket. Full. Of. Condoms.

This guy did not have good intentions. I don’t even want to delve in, and I’m callous as shit. Suffice it to say that evidently the victim in a totally different person-stealing attempt was still in ICU when this little scenario went down. As one of my friends put it, “I’m just waiting for the bodies to start turning up. Goddamnit Camille why are you laughing?” For the record I was laughing because I was distraught and alarmed. I have alienated a number of people close to me with that one.

Do you think he’s gonna find this post somehow and kill me? I’m not a scientist, but I think they probably have the internet in jail. What are the rules as far as being criminally insane go, these days? What kind of time does one do for that? I probably love you if you’re reading this, so know that. And I want to be cremated.