Kittens On Rollerskates

This is why, right? They thought they were being liberal but really they were training me about what to do on a Thursday. ps i STILL dress this way.

So it’s the crack of noon on a Thursday, and by all rights I should be entering invoices and making journal entries; you know, in exchange for money. Why then am I laying face-down half on my bed and half on a sort of nearby ottoman googling “galaxy t shirts?” I mean, I really want one, so there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll cut the collar off. And there may be half a Klonopin involved. And Rowan is really having an amazing dream, he’s like playing the drums in it or something, so of course I need to get a video of that. And there’s a playlist I constructed just for this, made out of Page France and Peter & The Wolf and Sun Kil Moon, and it is not stirring the embers of motivation within me. Also a certain lovely friend of mine just sent me an email about melodicas, why she climbed out of a window last night when the door was a completely viable option, Twilight’s Edward Cullen, and getting “flown to money in rocket ships made out of candy necklaces and 50 dollah billz,” so I am getting my daily exercise via cackling sharply and causing my dog to wake up and throw shade at me. And really, there’s nothing that pressing to do right now. Kind of.

But you know the old saying “All things in moderation?” Lying in wait for me at the crux of this matter is the naked fact that I just never bought into that. It just doesn’t click. What makes much more better sense to me is doing exactly what I want until there are real consequences to face. I’ve always been this way, can’t help it, and don’t wanna if I can avoid it. In sixth grade I just stopped doing homework and started doing what I wanted, and it stayed that way until my parents got called in and told that I was failing science, math, and social studies. An A in Language Arts though! They didn’t see the bright side like I did. Naysayers.

So when I left my job of five years on January 1, and after about 6 weeks of “mental health time” (read: Tekken, Fable 2, one LA Times Sunday crossword puzzle book, rampant episodes of shows about haunted houses, and day drinking) the new heights of slackdom I had achieved started making me itchy. So my genius idea was to start a business where I would keep books for various local establishments. It wasn’t and remains not an entirely terrible plan, there’s just some prollems when it comes to self-motivation. I mean, I get all my shit done, but the actual hours that I spend working are revealingly scant. Starting businesses is for self-starters, for people who have what it takes to say “What else is there to be done?” and not “How much do I have to do today? Because I have a 5 episode backlog of Jeopardy on DVR and I’d really like to knock that out.” Don’t get me wrong, I take care of my clients, two-week human and dog sick leave notwithstanding, and I really do make sure never to leave them in the lurch (also my favorite nickname for tall people).

But then there are days like today, where there isn’t really anything to do that can’t wait for tomorrow. That’s my pattern, take a “mental health day,” then follow it up with a mad scramble to get three clients’shit done in one day. My bank account gets morose when I do this because then I only get paid for one day instead of three–and that’s just math facts. So then I have to spend a few days really grinding when I have bills coming due, thought I never learn my lesson and start taking the slow and steady approach. Instead I take two days off to unwind.

I get in my own way even when I have the best of intentions, like I need a business card so I went to this website where they have templates and you just kind of fill in the blanks. And I was instantaneously distracted and started making business cards that were hilarious but completely inappropriate, which was of course why I needed to do it. I glossed right over the reasonable ones and went straight for the templates that blew my mind just by existing. My brain was all, “What if you just handed someone this card featuring two Asian people in power suits intently businessing in a conference room but you kept a completely straight face?” Ultimately I settled on having two cards made, one I could actually use to try to get more business and one I could give out to friends. But there again, I only ever finished the funny one, took a picture of it on my screen, and dropped the subject. But it’s really pretty amazing, so I think that’s good enough for today.

A hard day's work.