This was originally all one post that turned out about seven miles long, so I’m operating on the assumption that your attention span is as regrettably short as mine and I’m breaking it up for you. And I’ll put in pictures too because that helps me pay attention to things. And lists are the only way I can organize my thoughts, so here is the first part of a list of things I noticed on the trip.
I will open by saying this was one of the best vacations/travel times I have ever had. The items that made this list were basically weird little things I either remembered to write down or that were just bizarre enough not to forget. But the bulk of the time was just amazing, and it is hard to make that interesting to read about. “I relaxed! Everyone was nice!” Like it’s true, it’s just not that cool. Even the car ride was fun, which is good because the only people who have ever spent more time in a vehicle than me on this trip are the astronauts in the film Event Horizon, when they all unfreeze or biologically reconstitute or whatever, after like 100 years. And then the spaceship is haunted. That didn’t happen to me, though. And the drive was the only thing even remotely tedious thing about the trip, except for bleeding from my ear (much, much more on that in next post), and even that turned out pretty ok because I didn’t die of it the way I fully expected to.
And really, the car ride only got lame for me when we were driving home with like 5 hours to go, and here’s stupid, stupid fucking West Virginia, which despite charging you ALL of your money just to drive on its highways, does not have actually finished highways. Instead, the highway abruptly ends and you are forced to take a 45-minute detour on tiny back country roads featuring roadsigns with bullet holes, and semis whizzing past as close as possible on the one side, and a super-solid looking concrete barrier inches away on the other, all at 2 in the morning. I was driving and I almost panicked and let go to see if jesus would just take the fucking wheel already, as he is said to do in song, but then I remembered that jesus is pretend, and so I just held the shit out of my breath and the steering wheel and made believe it was a video game until it was all over. Here are some other things!
1. Speed Foto. I made up a game where you are in the car, right? With a camera. And basically you just have it near you and in manual mode, and when you see something interesting you have to fumble frenetically to get the shot. Usually this means swearing and shattered hopes, but occasionally it means FUCK YEAH I GOT IT. Below you will find several pictures that I took during Speed Foto, and as you can see, some of them are kind of magical. This is due in part to me finding out that you can use a pair of Ray-Bans as makeshift lens filters, especially when you bought them strictly because you lost another beloved pair and you’re willing to hold this idiot pair outside of the window in an underground tunnel beneath a mountain because they stubbornly refuse to fit right. They have gradient lenses that are sepia colored, and I will say that I am completely in love with the tone they give a goddamn photo. This activity took up so many hours and it is so fun. (Did You Know? These sunglasses have also been lost since first I wrote this. I need life coaching!/To stop hanging out with puppies!)
2. There Is An Entire Highway In Virginia Called The Technology Corridor. Now, at first, I was more than willing to jump on board and assume that this must be a road with gigantic modems instead of billboards and speed limit signs made of, I don’t know, fiber optics? “Technology Corridor,” I thought! “There is no way that this roadway will be anything short of stupendous! This is where it will all come together for humankind! And I am now a part of this cornerstone of civilization.” Uhh, nope! Not so much! In fact I would go so far as to say that I have scarcely been anywhere with less visible technology. I say this because here is the thing: for at least 200 miles past this sign is absolutely not a fucking thing in the world except for the odd small mountain and a steady stream of irony. Nick called it the Ultimate Red Herring, not only because terrorists may instinctively target it (you can have it, jerks), but also because as long as you were super confused by the name vs. reality contrast, you wouldn’t notice the rampant obsolescence that Virginia is largely comprised of. I suspect he is correct.
I didn't take this picture, I found it on Google Images. Sucks to be famous for irony.
3. Everyone In Wisconsin Is A Heavy Drinker. So it’s pretty clear by now that Camille Pickett=Drinks. I was assured that Wisconsin=Drinks was also a mathematically sound equation, but I’ll admit that I had Judgement Fears (Editor’s Note: I just typed Jesus Fears by accident–typo or e-stigmata?). So you can imagine my relief when the first question I was asked when we arrived at 1:45 pm in Racine was “Want a beer?” I tried to play it cool and just be like “Oh, why not, it’s vacation!” but inside every synapse was rejoicing. Another cool thing that happened was that now I like a Bloody Mary, whereas before I always resented the way people cooled off the sauce part of Spaghettios, added booze and some salad ingredients, and tried to pass it off as a delicacy. The thing is, they were right to do that. It’s like soup, but more important because of vodka. Also, up there they give you a baby beer chaser so that you can burp instead of your stomach becoming a festering acid envelope and then if you puke it looks like you need to go to the hospital, stat. I also fostered an abiding love for a beer that is like their PBR, called something-something Creamy Dark. It is so good.
4. Midwestern-Accent-Attaining. Here I will attempt to use phonetics to show how I started speaking almost immediately upon my arrival in Wisconsin. Firstly, as in like the second we crossed the state line, I started saying “Oh, Yah?” whenever I obtained any new information. Like, I would find out that someone knows the farmer who owns those cows over there: “Oh, Yah?” You used to trap animals in these woods and sell their hides to a fur guy? “Oh, Yah?” Lake Superior and all of the area around it is hugely cold, all of the time? “Oh, Yah?” But the real highlight came when we were visiting one of Nick’s friends and his family. Their little girl NEEDED TO SHOW ME SOMETHING SO BAD and it was a hole in the floor, so I go, “Oh, yah, thet’s a beeg hole enta tha beesmant!” (Sound it out.) Bottom line, that accent is goddamn contagious.
More on my adventures in a day or two.
